10 QUALITIES THAT HELP BUILD
HEALTHY FAMILIES

1. CONNECTEDNESS – A feeling of closeness, of being an integral part of the family.  The opposite of alienation and isolation.

2. ACCEPTANCE – To acknowledge, respect and honor the uniqueness of each family member.  A child who feels that differences are accepted in the family develops greater self-confidence and self-esteem.

3. APPRECIATION – Family members need to be acknowledged for their personal successes and for their contributions to the family.  This helps prevent family members from feeling used or exploited.  Often the least appreciated is the mother who dedicates her life to the family.  The father usually gets the accolades because he makes the most tangible contribution.

4. TRUST – Trust develops slowly.  Family children learn to trust those who are consistent, reasonable, predictable, forgiving, respectful and loving toward them and at least consistent, reasonable and respectful toward others outside the family i.e. personal, social, professional relationships.

5. TRUTHFULNESS – Truthfulness has to do not only with the important information or feelings we share, but also with those we omit.  Denial is a major type of lie and clouds dysfunctional families.  It is the dissonance between the way things are and the way the family says or believes they are.  Denial is devastating to a child’s development.  Growing up surrounded by denial makes people unable to deal with reality and incapable of identifying and trusting their feelings and judgment.  Families can foster an atmosphere of truthfulness by establishing a safe environment in which family members feel free to question and free to express their views and feelings without threat of judgment or ridicule.

6. COMMITMENT – Family members who commit to the family have chosen to make the family a priority in their lives.  They are people on whom the family can rely.  Being committed to the family means taking the time and making the effort to spend quality time with them, and to work through problems with caring and respect.

7. FLEXIBLE RULES – Change is one of the few certainties in life.  Dysfunctional families, fearful of the loss of control implied by the uncertainties of change, often try to enforce an unnatural stability onto unstable situations.  Inflexible rules are a reflection of this desire to control and are another form of denial because they deny the reality that things and people are constantly changing.  Optimal families on the other hand, operate not by rules but by negotiation based on values.  They tend to take a collaborative problem-solving approach to change – focusing more on the opportunity aspect of crisis than on its danger.

8. PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS – An important function of the members of a healthy family, especially the parents, is the modeling of good thinking skills.  A family that is in denial, where people are not free and safe to be themselves, is dealing with such distortions that healthy thinking and problem solving become impossible.  The healthy family, on the other hand, uses its connectedness, its trust, and its flexibility to help its members come to the most appropriate decision in any situation, and to identify and accept the likely consequences of that decision.

9. SAFETY – It is impossible to separate safety from trust.  No trust can develop without people feeling safe, nor can people feel safe when they can’t trust.  Many kinds of safety are needed if a child is to grow up self-confident and willing to take risks.  A child must be safe from verbal, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse; from being treated like a scapegoat; from being expected to take on roles, work or responsibilities that are unreasonable for his/her are and position.  And a child must feel safe to disagree openly and to make mistakes.  Children need: positive parental modeling, a sense of being heard, understood and accepted for who they are.

10. BOUNDARIES – A personal boundary is the edge between one person and another – where the first person stops and other begins.  A boundary can also be visualized as a space livable that surrounds a person.
    
    In a healthy family, all members’ boundaries are clearly defined; children’s separateness and individuality are respected and recognized.  These children grow up with a whole range of choices in relating to others – from intimacy to casual acquaintance.
    
    Intrusiveness is one of the most common boundary issues in families.  Depending on the degree of the family’s dysfunction, it can range widely – from reading people’s mail, to eavesdropping, to various forms of abuse.